2019 + 2020

2019

it’s my birthday tomorrow.

I’m laying on my bed

gushing blood all over the third towel

i’ve changed today and

my fourth pyjama pants and tenth underwear

i’ve changed for the week.

the first abortion didn’t take.

“you must be really unlucky,

there is only a less than 1% chance that happens”

here i was going through my second one.
less invasive, less painful, but nonetheless

traumatic. 

my boyfriend wrote me a birthday card.

detailing how i was a monster

and that he was finding it hard to fall in love
with someone he couldn’t picture a future with.

that yes, the pregnancy was both our doings
but that i didn’t see how the partner
has to live with all your girlfriends weaknesses

playing on repeat in a show real. every. day.

i feel numb everywhere but my vagina. 

the job prospect was getting to me

after being made redundant and i’m feeling 

the quarter life crisis.
all applications for a job in my field turned me down.
not. enough. experience. 

i’m sick of doing entry level filler jobs

just for the money.

i want to fly. but i can barely move.

it aches.

i’m turning 25.

my boyfriend’s mom and sister are no help

to my mental health and relationship declining.

fuck. i have to see them for christmas. 

i can’t face them. please. 

i speak to my psych more than i ever have.

my car got impounded. my first car.

i saved up for her

and named her after my first child’s name i picked.

i think i would’ve had a boy.

from the signs of my body, cravings, drive of testosterone.

i didn’t want it, but i felt it all.

the breast tenderness, the overflux of smell, everything

smelt too clean or too potent.

dry plain crackers to handle the morning nausea.

brain fog and short term memory loss,

even minutes after. 

i used to crave chicken before my period.

that’s how i knew it was coming,

even though i’m a vegan.

now i don’t want anything,

my senses are damaged.

yet, throughout it all…

my friendship group has been the best support network.

i am so lucky to have them.

they came to the clinic,

checked in constantly on me,

sent me food when i couldn’t move,

and called me for hours on end.

i wish:

for everything else in my life to be as good

as they are.

2020

it’s my birthday tomorrow.

i sit on the top of the hill in the park,

staring on to the freshly mowed grass.

this g-string is riding up

and i need to put baby powder on

my freshly shaved vagina.

i’m waiting for my current boyfriend to finish work.

he planned a night for me,

and a day tomorrow for us.

he’s quite magical.

a human being that ticks every box

and i fall more in love with him 

every. single. day.

he gave me a massage this week,

to help ease my PMS cramps.

he pushes me to grow,

lifts me up to kiss me,

is always honest and 

wants to solve problems as a team.

someone who loves me for me

unconditionally. and i to him.

i have my first big kid job.

after months of unpaid work,

relentless and tired nights,

and all-nighters doing uni assignments.

i’m thriving in a job in my field.

a team and boss who accept me,

build me up,

teach me to see my potential,

are straightforward with their feedback and

constantly remind me that i’m one of them.

people who love me for me,

no second thought. and none from me.

i’m turning 26.

is it strange to say i had the best year of my life.

if i could, i would send my ex-boyfriend a gift

basket filled with baked goods and a note

that said: “thank you for breaking up with me,

it was the best thing you ever could’ve done.”

fuck. i need to book my tickets to tasmania for christmas.

please don’t be too expensive.

i speak to my psych less than i did.

my new car is red, small and box-y.

a woman who is a lifesaver sold it to me

and i named her after my second child’s name i picked.

i’m getting my period soon.

i can feel my body preparing for it.

the smell of chicken repulses me now.

yet, throughout it all…

my friendship group hasn’t been together,

all at once,

in one place,

since january. 

i miss them.

they all have new things going on,

busy schedules,

i’ve asked to hang out but it’s one-sided,

and we haven’t facetimed as a group since july.

i wish:

for them to be as good 

as everything else is in my life.