2019: was a terrible year

By Freya Sul, December 27, 2019

Read time: 2 Mins

2019: was a terrible year Image

but it’s okay,

 I’m recovering

Don’t remember much.
Think I changed a lot.
Also felt like nothing happened.

Left my key in my flat.
Realised no one was home for the weekend. It was Friday.
Spent half the night breaking into my place.
Broke the lock. Accidentally fixed it two days later.

Gave sticky fingers a second chance.
Show ended an hour in. Disappointed.
Giggles on the train. Lots.

Took a birthday girl to berlin.
Had the best weekend of the year.
Our lips are sealed and the keys thrown away.

Mum visited for a month.
Met the rest of the family in Switzerland.
Spent a week with them.
Said goodbye.

Went to terrible parties.
A few good ones.
Was a mess.

Opened a bottle of bubbly in a room full of people.
Sat on the floor.
The cork hit the ceiling.
Wine exploded over me and the floor.

Made two new friends.
Decided to keep them.

Ate half a kilo of grapes in one sitting.

Spent more time alone.
Without being lonely.
Still working on it.

Became somebody I didn’t want to be.
Bad karma.

Spent too much time thinking about boys.
Decided against it for the future.
Better things to do.

Made myself several handmade notebooks.
Filled them all halfway.

Made a fool of myself. Hid for a while.

Learnt how to make gnocchi.
Ate way too much gnocchi.
Everything became a phase.

Made messes.
Forgot to clean them up.
Didn’t mind it.

Found toothpaste everywhere.

Cut my hair. Many times.
Regretted it every time except one.
Haven’t picked up the scissors again yet.

Forgot about people for a while.
Got scared they would forget about me.

Google translated whatsapp messages.
Rolled my eyes at the insignificance of them.
Then missed lots of important ones.

Fell into the motions. Again.
Lost my purpose. Still trying to find it.

Felt trapped by people.
Pushed them away.
Felt trapped by this place.
Wanted to escape but couldn’t.
Trying to ground myself.

Changed the way I dressed.
Started receiving compliments on it.
Was angry that I was pleasing other people.
Angrier that people felt they had a say.
Had an identity crisis. Not over it yet.

Walked to a lake.
Sat there alone.
Walked back happier.
Might do it again.

Got frustrated that people cared what I did more than I cared.

Became way too invested in astrology.
Might be a psychic.

Blocked out the first half of the year.
Feels like a different lifetime.
Don’t know who she was.

Currently : ending the year experiencing restlessness.
Want to disappear for a while. Become ephemeral.

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