a bittersweet struggle

I was diagnosed.

With Borderline Personality Disorder 3 months ago, this is what has happened since then.

It’s been a bittersweet struggle since my diagnosis, and I am constantly switching the side of the fence I am on about everything and it creates a constant battle between “I am diagnosed! Finally!” And “Oh.. I’m diagnosed.” 

My days have been filled with overwhelming feelings of exhaustion yet when it comes time for me to rest, I am never able to sleep. I often wonder whether or not I have a heart in my body but at the same time, i feel as if it will explode out of my chest. I want to be alone all of the time but at the same time the idea of people fulfilling these wishes and leaving me to be by myself confirms my negative feelings that I am owed no stability in my relationships with others. I constantly feel as if I am in a battle between my feelings and my mind, everything is contradicting and everything is so tiring. I am so tired. 

The thing I have hated most about having BPD is that it feels like you are watching yourself ruin your life. Kind of like its on TV and you’re just hopelessly watching, begging yourself to stop lashing out, stop isolating yourself constantly for no reason, stop being so self destructive with no motive, for the love of god please just speak up. So much of my pain would have been resolved if I just spoke the fuck up sooner. But it is too late now, and now I am diagnosed. Things are bad, but not worse.

Like I was saying before, I feel like a living contradiction. The amazing thing about being diagnosed is that the way I feel can seem somewhat justified. The difficult thing that comes with this is that although I feel self aware, I still can’t control my irrational feelings and intrusive thoughts. This is how my brain works:

“This is a very minor issue and I really should not be this angry about it but I want to scream and punch a wall”

“I am completely aware of the fact that you have no reason to hate me and you have done nothing to show me that you dislike me in any way but I am so certain of the fact that you completely despise me that it doesn’t even matter what I think and I am a terrible terrible person for making you keep me around this long”

I have spent so much of my life hating myself and since I was taught a lesson on relationships and trust so early in my life, i had nobody at the time who I wanted to blame but myself. And it is so frustrating to want to change but not knowing where to start and it is so frustrating watching yourself drown over people over and over again yet not knowing what to do about it. I just watch myself fall back deeper and deeper into old patterns. 

This is a journey that I wish I didn’t have to take, and as painful as it is to write these words and as painful as it is to convince myself of this when it seems impossible, I know that my traits are manageable, and that I am not alone.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I do not have to fix everything

I do not have to solve everything

And I can still find peace and grow in the midst of everything changing.

“You are not responsible for your first thought. You are, however, responsible for your second thought and your first action.”