A Cup Of Green Tea At 1am

The only best friend I’ve ever had was in kindergarten.

Her name was Libby and she had blonde hair. I used to go to her house a lot and we’d bounce on her trampoline and I’d pat her black dog named Missy, who I continually misgendered as a boy. As Grade 1 rolled around, our friendship fizzled. And that was the end of that.

I’m a social person with lots of friends—lots of close friends. But I’ve never had “my” person. 

Telly and movies on the big screen tell me I need to find my other half, my soul sister, my ride or die. We’re supposed to plait each other’s hair, hold each other’s hair back when we drink too much, talk for hours on the phone and whisper secrets to one another.

You know that feeling when you’re with a big group of friends and everyone’s laughing and you’re just kind of… there? The feeling that you could fade away into the background and no one would notice? I get that a lot. I try to remain where I stand, with my teeth firmly gritted into a fixed smile, a hard lump in my throat, trying to get through that moment. 
Within my circles of friends, there’s always an inner circle of /closer/ (fuck I don’t know how to do italics on my phone) friends. Recently, I’ve been left out of hang-outs, group chats and group presents. Perhaps it’s because I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Or because I work a lot. Or that I like to spend time alone. Or maybe it’s my social anxiety. 

I try rack my brains for where I went wrong. It seems like I’ve failed a pinnacle part of being a teenager, and entering my 20s alone feels terrifying. 

But I rest in the belief that my time will hopefully come in the future. Or maybe it won’t. Maybe that’s okay.

See, I’ve become really good at being by myself. I love my alone time, I love taking myself out. I love staying in. I’m content with myself, I love her. 

Having a bunch of close-but-not-best friends is pretty good too. One I go to for advice, another I go to if I’m craving ice cream, while another helps me get my shit together (I’ve actually started investing). 

I’m not good at choosing my FAVOURITE song, my FONDEST memory or my BEST friend. Having just one of something is frightening, I don’t want to have to be picky. 

I want it all. I want my favourite song to dance to, my favourite song to cry to, my favourite song to make out to. I want my favourite friend to see movies with, my favourite friend to talk politics with, my favourite friend to cook with. All best in their own way.