A Letter I Will Never Send

Or Rather

Can’t Send, To Myself From 2020

You’ll never see this but I hope you’re doing well.

You know those moments when you can just feel something click inside your head? And you feel like a genius? I don’t really know if I understand anything I’m about to say, but to me it’s like me from the future’s finally cracked the code and because time isn’t real that’s actually me who cracked the code. That being said, I’m beginning to think that time is real. Or maybe just something that won’t go away anytime soon. So life will always be a cycle of endings and beginnings, leading you nowhere except where you will be.

I like to think that you’re right where you need to be. Every mistake and tom foolery has a purpose. I’m so glad you’re struggling. You can laugh, by the way.

You’re not seeing things clearly yet. You’re terrified of yourself. Fear is the absence of love and you’re going to learn this one the hard way. But I know that doesn’t bother you. It’s never enough to just see the bottom, you have to dive in head first leading with like 4 backflips. God you’re so cool.

A part of me wanted to stay in the hell hole. I can tell you now it was because I believed I was destined to fall in to another one so why bother. Your self doubt reaches a breaking point when you start craving pain and loneliness.

You can’t dig your way back up so what will you do? I know you want to live. Which I can never thank you enough for. In hindsight, I’ve never seen you focus so hard on something like you focused on digging yourself in to these existential crises. I almost said “good job,” I was so impressed – but then I woke up. 

I woke up in your body and got reverse vertigo from looking up. You stupid bitch. Why didn’t you attach yourself to a tree or something? I’m trying to figure out how I got out. I thought maybe I used my mind to levitate. But I didn’t. That’s so funny you thought that. If I could say anything about this beautiful life that I’ve discovered, it’s that I did not find it alone. Turns out there’s nothing genius about believing that you’re better off alone. Don’t get too fascinated by the idea of us all just being alone in our heads. It doesn’t mean you have to be alone in the world too. 

When the world gets dark, don’t abandon yourself. It’s safe to trust the people who genuinely want to help you. You spend half of the year being in denial of this. You spend the other half trying to learn more about it. Take note of how quickly things can change. Compassion will get you through most, if not all of it. Compassion will be one of those things in life that you will, in the fairest and most freeing way possible, be indebted to for the rest of your life.

You stay up countless nights trying to make sense of it all. Could it be that I am more than the things that have happened in my life? I seem to be more than the things that haven’t happened. Could it be possible that there’s nothing I can do except make my own choices and stick by them long enough for them to mean something? For no one else but myself?

While my demons had become next to family, I finally admitted that I wanted to be happy. Looking back, my life felt like mine again, not when I felt like I knew where I was going, but when I began to let the right people in. I’m afraid your Alienation Era is over. Pack it up, E.T. – you’re going home. And home is where you’re loved. On Earth.

In 2020 I got my shit rocked. If it weren’t for my leo moon, I don’t know if I would’ve made it out of it at all. But I’m learning that there are better things to think about than things that haven’t happened. Better things to be afraid of. I learned about inner peace. Dug my way around feeling emotions and thought myself in to hell. I tried to make my life perfect while I pretended that perfection didn’t exist. I look in the mirror and it takes me a little longer than usual to recognize myself. But I can tell from the way that I stand that I’m still you, just a little sturdier. You’re proud of me and I agree.

In 2020 I forgave you, dear old self. For all the ways you’ve hurt me. I hope you can too.

Stay in school.

Kindly,

Danielle