Cleansing

I was sick of approaching my tarot deck 5 times a day hoping to get a better response. 

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that revisiting old, usually toxic memories of mine came to a certain point where it was not considered to be self destructive, but actually a form of cleansing. 
Old photos, clothes, concert tickets and diary entries used to bring so much hurt. I told myself that I needed to limit my time spent thinking about and looking at these or else I would stunt my healing process. It was difficult to not want to read that card that his family gave to me when I travelled abroad, our score sheet from when we played glow-in-the-dark mini golf, or the letter that he wrote to me confessing that he had fallen out of love with me. Cleansing was a new thing to me. i had no idea.

What was my strategy?Delete. I gave that hoodie back. I boxed away all of what remains from that relationship. Cry. I made myself milkshakes every morning even though too much milk in the morning makes me feel ill. I cried some more. I cut my bangs even when he I knew he wouldn’t have liked it I winged my eyeliner even when he said I looked better with less makeup. I deleted his mums contact from my phone even though she was an angel. I learnt that days were only as grey as I allowed them to be.I told myself not to fall in love with potential. And to believe in patterns not apologies. I stopped feeling like I owed everyone an explanation. I made Spotify playlist after Spotify playlist. 

I did it. I got there. It felt good.
I felt clean. revisiting these memories reminds me of this process. It reminds me of the fact that I felt better when I was so convinced that there was nothing. I can remember when things weren’t fine. And I’m ok.