Ellen’s 2019

It was a smudge. Maybe a bruise?

Packed my life into my van
Quit my job
Moved state.

Had cheese with my parents on a headland
The perfect good-bye
They knew I wasn’t coming back
But they didn’t expect to lose me.

Had nowhere to live
Shared a bed with a dog 
Got given a map.

Moved again
Lived alone
Felt lonely.

Got a lot of fines
Lived on $8 for 9 days 
Owed a lot of money
Earned little
Felt pretty rich though
Smiled to myself a lot. 

Ate a lot of eggs 
Ate too many croissants
Drank a lot of wine 
Didn’t drink enough water
Kissed a lot of boys at one point
Didn’t care that I didn’t care
Met a lot of great girls
Found something I’ll keep forever over a shared carrot 
Found a career
Found a tired I didn’t know I could be
Found a 21 year old I love like a little brother
And a 30 year old I knew I’d always have
Found something I am good at.

Picked up something from the airport
Something I had spent a lot of time thinking about
Got another fine because I left my car to kiss it
Stopped kissing anyone else
Felt happy about that
Felt unsure
Didn’t feel much
Then felt a whole lot
And felt scared
I cared.

Decided we needed space
Spent a night apart
Fell in love
Confessed it on the dance floor of Revs
Felt happy in places I didn’t know I had
Felt hurt in places that had hurt before
Felt like I got some years back
Did things I felt like I missed out on.

Lived with some 20 year olds
Lived with no sleep
Lived in an ice box
With a toilet outside
Slept in my van in a no stopping zone in North Fitzroy.

Got some bad phone calls that left me in a pile on the floor 
Didn’t make enough calls back home
Didn’t send enough messages 
Didn’t care like I used to
Hurt people I didn’t mean to, felt confused.
Don’t know where my care went, I think I just drained it all.

Lost my routine
Found some freedom
Went to a Kinesiologist
Cried a lot. Realised I felt unimportant to the the person I used to be most important to.

Realised that was ok
Became important to new people in new places in new ways
Missed my friend
Missed the beach
Missed a 30th I never thought I would.

Spoke in front of some schools
Made some chocolate
Did some graphic design. Never thought I’d use that.
Felt completely content on a walk down Smith St with a box of blueberries at 10pm.

Got told I have cancer
Got told I made the wrong choice
Got told I was going to get hurt
Got told I wasn’t ready
Got told I should come home
Got told I was making mistakes. Heaps. 

Got asked to share a room. 
Asked a lot of opinions
Lied to my parents
Moved into a chocolate factory
Had no furniture
It didn’t matter
Found a home.
Found new friends
Found out it’s really hard to make rent.

Got lost in bed on Sundays
Got lost in Melbourne
Got a little lost in my head
But ended up where I knew I always would.