I Hit Rock Bottom Like A Bullet

And fuck it felt good – is what I would like to say. But I actually feel like shit. Straight up shit.

But I guess that’s how it feels when you face your fears for the second time. The first time I faced rejection was from my parents. I was young. A kid. I don’t remember much, I just remember it hurting. And I remember never wanting to feel that way again.

You stop caring, not because you want to, but because that seems like the most logical thing to do in that moment. Almost like you have no other choice. Other choice means risking rejection. Gradually, you develop tunnel vision. You see things. You hear things. You feel everything echo in your tunnel, but you don’t know where or what the fuck it’s coming from. It feels like the curiosity is really just desire disguised in lies.

I got tired of the tunnel and decided to look beyond for the second time. I decided to tell someone how I felt about them. And it went to shit. Right in to the toilet and flushed with a scream.

Okay maybe it wasn’t that bad. It just sucked because I didn’t get what I wanted, and in my head, I rarely wanted things because of my fear of rejection. That’s when I realized my fear had grown in to entitlement.

I hadn’t done this for love. I had done this for me. I had looked beyond myself for the second time in my life. How can I look at that with anything less than admiration of myself?

I still replay it over and over in my mind. It hurts less and less each time. Sometimes I slap my wrist when I think of it. Sometimes I let myself wallow in self-pity. But I’ll face my fears for the seven hundredth time if it means I can see outside this stupid tunnel. I can’t hear shit in here and it smells like ass.

I see beyond my fears. Beyond the end. Into the next, oblivion! And like a bullet I pierce through whatever’s in front of me.