I want my money back

Why aren’t you happy? 

What do you want?

What would make you happy?

I’m bored

I want drama

I want an exciting life; something to talk about, something interesting and worth living

…

…

Everything is very dramatic at the moment.

Everything is very surreal and worth reading about.

I spend hours reading about everything, watching life unfold in real-time, 

It all feels so familiar, a story we’ve all seen hundreds of times

In disaster films and shitty YA novels.

An event that can only ever exist in this distant past or apocalyptic future, like the Great Fire of London or the collapse of humanity 

But never something that could actually happen. 

I got my drama

I got my excitement

But this isn’t exciting and this isn’t what I wanted.

A global pandemic to soothe my leftover teen angst that my life should be more like a film.

But now it is and the reality of this drama is very boring,

It’s mundane and unextraordinary, it’s walking my dog and washing my face while not knowing whether to laugh or burst into tears.

It’s doing exactly what I normally would but without the option of doing anything else,

It’s staying in without feeling guilty about not going out.

It’s laughing at myself a week ago – sulking over a boy not fancying me and crying over my measurements. 

It’s feeling completely detached from the past and completely blind to the future.

I wish I’d realised drama could be this boring, and then maybe I would’ve been more content with normality or at least more specific in the kind of excitement I was looking for.

I wonder if every crisis in history has been this unexciting to live through,

This quiet and this insular? This many podcasts and cups of tea? 

I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t think anyone does,

 I don’t know if I’ll graduate or get a degree or go back to university, 

it’s impossible to live in the future when it’s such a haze, and strange to lament the past when everything is different and none of that seems to matter anymore.

If this is an exciting life, I’m not sure I want it.

I want my money back