I’m no longer 20

But I feel like it.

I can’t wear what I used to, it looks tacky.

I can’t say what I used to, it sounds stupid.

I can’t risk what I used to, there are consequences.

I can’t eat whatever I want, I don’t have the energy or motivation to work it off.

I can’t act like I used to, it feels sticky.

I can’t love like I used to, I know too much.

But I feel like I used to.

How do I reconcile that?

I feel like I want to have fun. Run amok. Live freely. Not settle.

I feel like I still have a lot of people to love, and a lot of people to fuck.

But I’m told that’s reckless, childish, lonely.

I feel like my skin is still soft, my eyes still white, my body still unbreakable; thrash-able. But when I catch my reflection I’m confronted with otherwise. I have wrinkles where I didn’t. Sunspots. Grey hairs. Lines.

I can still feel 20-year-old me inside. But I can no longer see her.

Do I dress the part?