since we can’t be together on Earth
my past is some of my happiest times and the cause of some of my deepest scars. i think i’m becoming content with that.
my future is all of my fears. it terrifies me.
but my present…
my present has the prettiest brown eyes. my present makes me laugh. my present has a really cute dance. my present likes the rain. my present gives me peace.
here’s a glimpse of my present.
he lay down on the ground and i lay next to him. he wrapped his arms around me and closed his eyes. told me he wanted to sleep. i said i had no idea how to cuddle. he said nothing and just pulled me closer. i moved around and switched positions a million times. he waited till i was comfortable.
then i just watched him. he was the most beautiful thing i’d ever seen. sounds sappy. but it’s how i felt. his skin. his eyelashes. his lips. his nose. he opened his eyes and looked at me. and especially his eyes. they were axinite covered in honey. i wanted to look into them forever. but it wasn’t just his face that was beautiful. it was him. his voice. his heart. his presence; the way he was present in that moment with me.
our faces had just enough space in between that we could look into each other’s eyes. i held his face in my hand and stroked his cheek. i don’t know how long we spent just taking each other in. then he kissed me. gently. softly. like i was fragile. like i was delicate. but he didn’t close his eyes. he looked at me while he kissed me. we drank each other in. we didn’t even have to say the words “i love you”. i could feel it. he was stripping away all my walls, and yet i didn’t feel weak.
his hand moved into my hair and stroked my head gently while he kissed me. i closed my eyes and let him pull me into him. i can’t even describe the way he kissed me. when he held me, i felt less broken. i felt safe.
i started thinking about how i would have to leave him soon. this couldn’t last forever. i had to let him go one day. i knew it was so wrong to be dependant on someone for my happiness. but i couldn’t help it. i had never felt more myself than when i was with him. i was terrified of never feeling this again. this safety. this warmth. this aching for someone’s presence.
i felt my eyes filling up. i didn’t cry. especially not in front of other people. his eyes were closed now while he kissed me. i looked at this beautiful human who held me. i tried to savour every kiss as if it was my last. i couldn’t hold it back. the tears started rolling down my cheeks. i pulled away.
i said sorry and that this was embarrassing. i lied. it wasn’t. and that confused me. for the first time, i felt like i could be my most vulnerable in front of someone.
we both knew i had to leave him one day. he held me while i cried and told me it’ll be okay. that we would figure it out. not to think about it. he made jokes to try make me laugh.
i went into his arms again. i held onto him tighter. and cried. i had no idea how i was going to leave him. i still have no idea. i have never felt love like this.
i know i’m being selfish; searching for excuses to act peurile.
but this love is healing me.
he wasn’t part of my past. he may not be part of my future. but he is my present.
the problem is, i care too much about how my present affects my future.
and so, i’m left terrified even by my present.Return to issues