You tell me to “just be myself”
But what the fuck is that.
When I try to be neat and organised you look at me as if I’m a joke.
Make me feel years beyond my age
Tell me to “just let go”
And when I build up the courage to let go I am overwhelmed and confused.
You tell me I’m irresponsible, lazy, annoying.
Look at me as if I am the most unlovable person in the world.
Make me feel ashamed like I’m standing on a stage, I want to hide away. It’s like that searing awkwardness when you know you’ve spoken too much while standing in a group.
And so, the vicious cycle begins. I’m teetering from either side of being. Fumbling through everything that falls in between. Am I too boring, am I too loud, was I too rude, was I too polite. Do I let you walk all over me or is this just right.
Eventually it is easier to just say nothing at all, that way I won’t have to worry about what you might have to say.
I used to feel as though there was nobody who understood me more than you. Now, when I am around you I feel most myself when I’m not myself at all. Stare intently, gauge your mood, try to decide how best to act today, I am numb.
So when you tell me to “just be myself” it’s all a fucking taboo. You’re not content with who I am unless it sits right with you.
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