My Year

By Ella Anderson, October 28, 2020

Read time: 2 Mins

My Year Image

last year

2020 was going to be my year.

I was going to turn 20, become an adult, have the year free to discover myself and had plans to have a self-funded trip to Europe for 4 months with some of my best friends.

I was terrified.

I had terrible anxiety and depression that exacerbated at the start of the year with the bushfires and all my plans being ripped away – I also got fired for the first time.

An entry in my notes from January reads:
“i can feel my heart beat in my fingers
my intestines are knotted together
my ears are ringing
i’m surrounded by people and i know this:
i’m isolated”

In April I was put on anti-depressants and had to go to therapy.

Iso did in fact make my isolation feel more shared – still isolated – but more people were now feeling it.

Living with my parents was supposed to be a good thing. I wanted to run away like a 6 year old who got in trouble.
Pack my bag with my teddy and some snacks and go.
But I realised that not only was it illegal at the time, but my isolation would just follow me.

Second round of iso I stayed at my apartment.
I got tinder to entertain myself.
Had my dosage increased.
Went back to uni for second semester because obviously my “find myself” Europe trip wasn’t going to happen.
Started talking to a boy.
Continued to go to therapy (paying for it myself, unemployed, yikes).
Found the alleged cause of my mental illness – being abandoned by my high school best friend left me with (shocker) abandonment issues.

I bought a clay kit online and had my paints with me this time – I started creating again.

The boy came over.

I wrote a letter to my former best friend.
Lots of fuck yous were used.
Maybe I’ll post it here since I can’t send it to her.

Writing letters and not sending them seemingly helps a lot.

I’ve figured out the career I want.
I miss my friends but zoom and social media is a lifesaver.

I made clay mugs and a paint palette.
Uni is hard but it’s going.
I’ve applied for a transfer to do what I actually want to do with my life.

I can sleep again.
I’m in love.
I’m happy.

Despite everything else, 2020 was my year.

And it’s not even over.

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