Basically I was brooding.
And sulking and criticizing myself for the way I coped with life and for the things I enjoyed. Nothing new. But I paused to allow my hiccups to pass when I bravely wondered if my overthinking, overcomplicating, overly critical ways were at the root of all of my problems. I looked at myself, like the way I was doing right now? Yes. I’ve been told this by numerous mushroom trips and by numerous people, and every time there is something new I take away from it. And if I’m being honest, I’ve always been too afraid to question it.
A mask is anything that becomes a habit. I think I was so upset about being born in this world that I lived like it too. So I analyzed myself until I hated everything about it. Everything I do is a reflection of my relationship with myself. I’m trying to figure out what’s at the root of all of this impatience and it’s too many different things that I’ve given up on writing out. Honestly at this point I think I just need a sense of structure. I’d like a castle. And I’m learning that you can only build something worthwhile when you slow down. Which is difficult when you’re aware of your own mortality. My solution to this was to brainwash myself in to thinking I was immortal. I can get myself to believe anything. All I need is a pen. And in my world, escapism is considered an art that I’m exceptionally talented in.
Some changes are easier than others. I learned how to laugh more and it’s made me significantly less miserable. It’s made me brave. The harder to implement changes involve letting go of the need to control everything. How to trust, and then how to apologize and how to forgive. Myself, then others. I think this sense of peace is well deserved and something I won’t take for granted. I don’t have to try so hard anymore. I never did! But I did and we can’t change that. :’-(
I spent the last year trying to change and accept myself at the same time. And I find that the hardest changes only feel hard when I act like someone who doesn’t value their heart. But the greatest changes happen when I honour whoever I am in any given moment. And the easiest changes are never remembered in hindsight. So you have to take a lot of pictures.
I am letting go of judgement and trying to change the way I always need to change things. The world is very disgusting to me. I wish I could stay in bed all day and be done with it because it’s so comfortable here. But if I don’t interact with the world I’ll perish in many other ways that I care about. What is this. Why is life like this? Do I want to get better? Why is that even a question? Life is so hard!!!!!! I just want to be a better friend. Leo moon moment. But I am not the moon I am a person. I read somewhere that change can feel painful so I’ll tell myself that I’m not crazy because that’s all I’m really concerned for. And then we’ll go from there.