There is a beginning, middle and an end.
Slowly but surely, my life and the happenings throughout and in between entwine themselves around that rule. So forgive me for I am flighty but I’ve become incredibly bored by the idea of “forever”.
However, minutes can be long. Moments can seem to last forever. Forever is whatever you make it. We make it all up as we go along. And though the word “end” sounds final. Somewhat daunting. Fear not, every end is a new beginning for Princess Projection.
I owe my revolving, never ending beginning, middle and ends to my little directors. There’s little people inside of you taking notes of all of the things that you see, you watch and you feel. You see it, you want it. You get it if you try hard enough. Even if it’s not quite it, you tell yourself it is. The little people switch on the projectors. The film reel starts winding, clicking. It doesn’t take my little people to get it up and running. They project right onto the big screen in no time. Bright and vivid.
That boys teeth look kinda like Jake Gyllenhaal’s, he must be related to him in a past life. He must be the one. And I must have watched Donnie Darko the night before.
My little directors must marvel at all of the things they produce and bring to life. I hope they’re having fun in there, making me delusional and all. This leads me to believe that my favourite power couples are fiction! Their love seems unbreakable. They do it so well. Because it’s all pieced together perfectly, for your viewing pleasure. Moments and their significance are incredibly inflated yet simultaneously so vague. Nothing is ever as it seems. Just like a movie.
So in honour of my wonderful delusions and being controlled by little people here’s something to think about…
Someone I came across one day, told seventeen year old me that I was “delusional” after I finished explaining to them that I’m in love with a boy, that we were getting married and nothing can stop us! They told me that I definitely was not going to be in love with this person one day so I need to “shut up!”. I was hurt and in absolute denial. I placed my hand over my young heart almost as if I was trying to protect it. Despite this, I persisted, marriage still on my mind. Honeymoon phase in tact. Though, it’s now the “one day” chapter of my life that was foretold and you’ll never guess what? I’m not “in love” with that person anymore. LOL.
Why did I think I was in love?
I thought that I was in love because I felt that at any given moment my heart had the ability to slowly exit my body and float across to the other side of the room to watch me. My aura felt like beaming colours of warm gooey pink. I could be anywhere and a particular thought of a certain someone would pass through my mind, I would look up and my heart would be waving at me. “Hi!” I’d say. I’d talk to her, maybe it was a him. I’d talk to them often. Like when that pretty person sent through a pretty text, I’d make eye contact with my heart that was sitting across from me. “Oh wow!” I would say. We would both nod to each other. Best friends. Big butterflies would flutter around us.
Just like a best friend, my heart and I would do everything together. We would laugh together, we would be caught fawning together. Sobbing together being one of our favourite past times, of course.
So my theory along with the little people and projectors is that, your heart transports it’s way up to the top of your head where your brain is meant to be. They make themselves nice and cosy, as a friend should. When you’re in love you’re not in your right mind. You’re in your heart and your heart is in your head! Pink petals fall out of your ears. Everything is fuzzy, sometimes even the person that’s right in front of you, like beer goggles. Which is fine, just concerning in retrospect, is all.
I thought I was in love because everything was profound. A light bulb. I thought I was placed right in the centre of all of my favourite love stories. Everything was connected straight from my heart, all the way along the invisible line of string to the person that had taken over my life and right back to me again. Film directors make use of a specific song or place a line where they think it’s meant to be. They have a storyline they’re trying to convey. They try to make what they’ve constructed mean something, anything really, to anyone who is watching. Most would agree that a plot is a nice thing to have throughout a movie. If a movie fails to have an aim, a person you’re attracted to or any kind of point then it would most likely suck. It would suck so hard. Everything is a sign if you make it a sign and that is what I did. Like the director of American Beauty with their grey plastic shopping bag. The plastic bag floating around the middle of the street on your way to work, is no longer just a plastic bag anymore. You and the plastic bag are apparently in American Beauty now. Our hearts want to have fun like the movies!
If our hearts want to have fun like the movies then that’s what they’re going to do.
To me, love feels like you’re in your favourite movie, filming a plastic bag with your VHS cam corder but it also feels like you’re on a swing, in a pretty park. You swing back and forth, all the way up to the sky and back down again. You couldn’t wipe the smile off of your face if you tried. Your insides float around inside of you. All that’s on your mind is what is right in front of you, fuzzy and all. Ignorance is bliss : ) Everyone around you is simply not experiencing the same feeling as you are. You keep swinging and dangling through the air. Though slowly with a tinge of sadness, the novelty begins to fade away, I guess. Your legs start to tire. You start to think of maybe hopping off the swing, going back home or making that phone call you were thinking about before you started swinging. Hmmm.
Like the swing. I’d go back and forth. Everything inside of me could feel large, it would expand at what seemed like the speed of light though it could deplete as fast as it appeared. It was hard to keep up. I thought I was in love because to put it simply, everything hurt. It hurt so much and it was taking up too much space that I didn’t want it anymore. I think that love is a big responsibility. One that I can not bring myself to be bothered with. I can’t even be bothered to make myself lunch these days. So I’m lazy. I’m selfish and I think that the only person I should be worrying about, at least for a little while is me. And I could go on forever and ever about what I think love is, that I think it’s fake news and why I’m not a huge fan of it as of late, but you can only ever figure these things out for yourself. Good luck and love for as long as you can. Forever is yours. Take advantage.
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