I saw you both
walking down in-between the market stalls as my body turned, I automatically took a step to run and hug you… I pulled myself back and we exchanged awkward hellos and chit chat instead. The silence was deafening filled with what I wished either of you would have said; “we miss you, we are sorry… please stay and walk with us, let’s catch up it’s been too long.”
Instead, I opened my mouth and said I had to go because my car didn’t have a meter ticket on it. We hugged goodbye. No let’s catch up soon, no confrontational questions – just three people who used to spend every day talking to each other, acting like we barely knew each other at all and we’re now those people you run into you used to know but never plan on seeing for that coffee you ‘MUST have soon.’
With no explanation, no reason as to why I lost two best friends of 3 years slowly over the last 5 months. These were the people who I shared a bed with at many sleepovers, belly ached in laughter, cried and shared our deepest secrets, there for each other through every heart break, new date, new interview, COVID FaceTime whines, and divulged every little moment and thought that crossed our minds.
The people that built each other up, who knew me inside and out… yet now feel like they’re saying to me behind closed lips; “you know how you were always worried that we wouldn’t speak up and tell you if you did anything wrong so you could fix it… and that you felt unlovable? Well, you were right.”
What happened to our countless talks of how we were IT? The soulmates of friendships to each other? That after all the heartbreaks of the other groups we have had, we had finally found it? That we would be there no matter what, that we would never let anything break us up… we would tell every boy or new friend we met about each other, how in love with each other we were – how lucky we were to even know one another…
So, was it me? What did I do wrong? What could have possibly deserved a point where our meeting seems like we never shared those raw moments in each other’s arms? What was so huge that I’ve become part of your past and didn’t warrant a chance to grow with you both? What made it so easy to not talk about it anymore? Could our friendship mean so little that we couldn’t fix it? That I had to let go with no explanation, no phone call, no text message replies?
Is that what we have become now….
I just don’t ‘fit’ anymore? So it was easier to let me fall apart? Away from you both?
I mourn our break up. The one I thought was the FRIENDS of my life… not the Sex and City remake where I am cast as Samantha.
You loved me as I was, but couldn’t love me and us enough the way I needed – to speak the truth to nurture our friendship into your future… and because of that, I no longer wish to be in yours either.
Sigh. “Siri.. play: Over My Head by The Fray.”Return to issues