Spiralling

Boredom is the feeling I’ve been running away from my whole life. It’s a strange sensation, where you temporarily forget about everything you should be doing and are suddenly inexplicably overcome with a feeling that says “I have no idea what to do with myself right now”. It’s a mind fuck. I’d rather be feeling sad or angry because at least it has a sense of meaning. Boredom feels more like numbness.

Boredom feels dangerous because it breeds apathy and purposelessness. It leads me to an emotion(less) crisis of existential dread, a what the fuck am I doing with my life kind of scenario. As a gemini who made frequent trips to boredom-land throughout childhood, I thankfully rarely visit these days. Even in the midst of a pandemic. Because I now tend to view boredom from the viewpoint of expansive possibility: an opportunity to explore my creativity, to finish the book I’ve left halfway, to paint my nails, take a bubble bath, reply to Fluff’s email prompt… If anything, 2020 has made me realise how much of an introvert I am, which I have denied for most of my life (maybe I am an introverted extrovert?). If you can entertain yourself, you become a self-sufficient human. I like the idea of me being this, fanning my already huge millennial ego.

I think when people experience the panic of boredom, it’s more the fear of being trapped with themselves with no external stimulus. It’s not painful, just merely discomfortable. I think teetering on the edge of boredom, not letting it consume you or attaching the story of existential dread, can birth something beautiful (creative, a self revelation or otherwise). Or it at least pushes you to do things you would have not done if were not for this explicit sense of boredom; e.g. clean out the bedside drawers which have been neglected for years, learn to cook something other than 2 minute ramen, call an ex (lol jks plz don’t do this).

So I think the trick is to not let yourself spiral, but to instead view boredom as creative potential and a blessed opportunity. But when in doubt, there’s always Tik Tok.