The game

I checked my phone again. Knowing he wouldn’t call. I knew he wouldn’t call because he hadn’t called for the last few days. I knew that this was different to his usual behaviour, so I knew that something was off. I had a feeling that something was off the last time we spoke by the way the words tightly came together. It was the tight exclamation mark with the even tighter X, which made me feel like the X was a hand, as in XX talk to the hand. 

I sat with this signal wondering what to do. I could feel our good vibration lowering to unease, and I was confused. Why so out of the blue? 

Perhaps it wasn’t so blue. I do now recall recently there were aspects of our conversation that seemed angular, but I suppose I mistook it for human variation. 

We did say there would be “no expectations.” And yes, I meant it, because yes it was true. But something I didn’t realise was that “no expectations” was actually a disclaimer for basic human decency. I didn’t realise “no expectations” actually meant stiff texts and cold mornings. 

And it’s a lie, I did expect something. I expected respect.  

I guess I like to pride myself on my direct forthright communication. As it is with my age, I’ve had enough with the playing and the posing. I felt that authenticity was the way to go, so I decided to go that way. Thinking that genuine reciprocity would come naturally if both sources of spirit were wellsprings of maturity. Maturity I thought everyone was learning, so that at my age, we could avoid these silly little stupid problems. 

But that’s my problem. I assume people are on my wave length of continued human growth. Elevating from ego thoughts and trauma tracks, elevating to rise above to do the right thing. 

I guess I just feel sad about the severed potential. I thought at least we had a promise of friendship. I thought at least it would remove the silly little games men play when they hurt, to remove that silly little need to rightfully put women in their peripheral place. 

Showing up with integrity, I thought that was the line.  

I didn’t want to play this time. I didn’t want to play.