Things I have been reflecting on

By Fluff Editorial, March 3, 2024

Read time: 2 Mins

Things I have been reflecting on Image

A few years ago I wrote some words for Fluff.

Talking about how nice it is to be human and how I don’t hate myself anymore. I still don’t hate myself. I am happy to be insignificant in the scheme of things, but I want to do significant things while I am here. I want to create art that is so ugly that it is beautiful. Except, I want it to just be ugly. I want people to look at it and think “that’s some ugly art.” It will be beautiful to me because I made it, and it is very hard to make art. But it will be ugly. Even if you think it is beautiful, it is ugly. Because I made the art and I say it is ugly. And I have decided that this year I am allowed to be assertive about my art (and my life). I hate someone that I used to love. I am a little mad at myself for projecting more hate into this already hateful world, but (trust me) he deserves to be hated. No amount of love could make this person better. I think some people are just born bad.

On that same topic: I loved this horrible person so much. I am excited to know what it feels like to love a not horrible person. I am both more me than I have felt in a long time, and I am also so very sad. I think that that’s okay. I miss my old bookcase. I think that’s funny because I lived in a place for two years and I loved so many people, and all that I truly miss is my bookcase. I am excited to get a new bookcase and to fill it with words that I might never read. I hope this year is kind. I also won’t mind too much if it is boring. Boring can be nice if it means the absence of gloom. (I think gloom can be nice and it can be poetic but if it is all you can feel, then that is very gloomy.) I am sorry to myself. I will try and be kinder to myself.

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