I find it really hard to make the decision to be kind to
myself sometimes.
If I heard someone I love talking about themselves the way I talk to myself sometimes, I’d tell them they deserve better.
I tell my friends they deserve rest, they deserve to be proud of the goodness they’ve put into the world, they deserve to feel loved – by themselves and those around them. It’s a lot easier to say these things to other people than it is to make the decision to say it all to yourself.
A lot of the time I say I’m going to make decisions that are
self-serving, in a good way:
‘I’m deciding to give myself a day each week where I don’t
work’
‘I’m deciding to not be so hard on myself’
‘I’m deciding to think about the things I am proud of’
‘I’m deciding to eat well, look after my body’
‘I’m deciding to allow myself time to see my friends’
‘I’m deciding to tell myself I deserve nice things’
‘I’m deciding to not feel guilty about giving myself time to
rest or have fun’
The thing I decide less often is to follow through with it
all.
I think this is all, partly, because I feel a responsibility
to make the world a kinder, more ethical place, and I don’t know where looking
after myself fits into that.
Writing that out, I know it’s silly. I know because I’ve
told people a million times, ‘an empty cup can’t fill another’, ‘an unlit
candle can’t light another’. What is wrong with me and why can’t I decide to
listen to the quite sensible things I tell other people?
Is it sad that I only think self-care should exist so that I
can help others more after? Is it selfish to do self-care just for the sake of
it – what if that was all I ever did? I don’t really think I’ve decided on the
answer to this dilemma, though if I did I think I’d be happier. I think that’s
one thing I’ve decided on: self-care can be baths and facemasks and nice times,
but mostly it’s addressing your issues and facing your fears and insecurities.
That sort of self-care is hard and gross and tiring, but it’s the one that
purifies you the most.
I think I decided to write this mostly for myself – is that bad? I think I decided that if I put it down in words, I’ll be forced to decide to be better to me. I think I decided, too, that doing so might help other people who have the same problem. I think I’m deciding I don’t have to know everything and I can present myself as a work in progress without feeling like not enough.
So this is that and I’ve decided to be fine with it.
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