what do i want?

i wish i could

figure out what i actually wanted.
i’ve done such a good job of curating and editing my feelings that i’m not even sure if i know what i actually like.
the desire to authentically want something is more powerful than the wanting itself i guess.
it’s like that with people too.
it’s so hard to know if i’m really into them or if i just feel like i should be.
or shouldn’t be…
do i actually have feelings for him or do i just like the way it feels when i tell him i miss him and he blushes on facetime?
do i really want him or do i just like knowing he wants me?
sometimes i feel like i play falling in love just to see if it will stick this time
if i’ll actually buy into my own performance enough for it to become real
i kinda feel like it won’t though.
i don’t think the desire to want will last that long.