January Horoscopes

New Year. You’re still you. This is what you must know about that fact:

Aries: The last song you listened to is the song that will be playing in the opening credits of your life as a romcom. Say you’ll think about it. This year will bring you notepads with no lines to tell you what to do, exceptional grammar, sunglasses you’re incapable of losing, green overalls and pink shoelaces. 

Taurus:  If I told you what your life will look like in a month’s time you wouldn’t believe me. Look for light, sesame seeds, don’t turn to see what kind of person is making that skateboard make those skateboard noises. 

Gemini: Build yourself a lego castle. Destroy it. Bring a toothbrush to work. Bad breath, bad…something. Do you want to feel like water? Stop trying to feel like fire. Talk to someone who plays the piano. 

Cancer: Maybe that ring would be nice on another finger. A finger that is not your first choice. You knew that all along. Make no new secrets. No one knows anything about you anyway. Google says people believe that different signs of the zodiac present different characteristics and talents. A talent of yours is that you get ink all over your hands like everyone else. 

Leo: It’s not an awful start to your new year. It’s just something that happened to happen. It’s not going to ruin your year because years don’t exist. Each day could be a new year if you really give a shit. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Virgo: Mouthwash. Don’t talk to kids like they’re idiots. They think you’re an idiot. Think about the tree people. Read The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt because I’m looking at someone’s copy from across the room as I type this. 

Libra: Have you checked your fortune at the end of your cup of coffee this year? I haven’t. Keep your Fluff Bronzer close to your heart. Kind of like how people keep a little bible next to their heart. We all came from the sea.

Scorpio: Dressing like a Capulet boy will increase serotonin levels. Watching your Uber driver’s tiny car float around your screen will not. Colouring in will. Imagining clouds being more than clouds will. That cloud is a wizard’s hat. Now there’s a donkey on its hind legs. You can see what other people are seeing if you try. 

Sagittarius: If you melt down you will not melt away. Melting yourself down to trickle, pour, ease through paths you thought were blocked. Liquid flows. Remember that it’s only twenty dollars. 

Capricorn: Don’t be fooled by a new idea. It’s probably recycled. Remember to recycle. Steal that pen. Just because something is the way it is or has always been that way, doesn’t mean it’s right. Your whisper is someone else’s yell. 

Aquarius: Don’t take up space on this earth for no good reason. Write down a few good reasons. Beds don’t solve all of your problems. If someone wants you to be patient, they have to be patient with you too. 

Pisces: One of the most difficult things is, to fall asleep. If you fall, you are lucky. If you feel, you are lucky. If you are lucky, you fall. Keep your eyeballs out for a crooked smile, runny eggs, water colour paints. 

Art by @uglylines