Vanity

I have progressively been monitoring my thoughts. I observe a lot of vanity and see myself acting out scenarios in my head that involve other people being impressed by me. Additionally, I have realised whenever I have a negative thought about another person it is a reflection of my own insecurities. I have never gotten inside my own head this much or been able to passively observe and try to understand the roots of my thoughts. It could be the acid I have been taking lately, or the book I’m reading currently.

I am trying to at the very least notice when my thoughts become vain and try to reduce them into nothingness, or near. I never noticed how obsessed I had become with myself whilst simultaneously being kind of insecure. I took pride in myself when I thought I knew I looked good, but what does that matter? What do my looks matter if I am too scared to have a conversation with someone in case I am awkward, or “not enough?” My own fear of not being liked manifests itself into a reality as I perceive (perhaps incorrectly) things to be awkward or I retreat back and feel as though I do not have enough to say.

I do not feel the need to constantly converse with my friends or anyone, really. But is a conversation a good measure of your social, emotional or relational coherency? I don’t believe so, so then why is there so much pressure to converse? Why does it feel weird and awkward, to not speak? Is it all in my head, or is it in theirs too? Is it in ones, so then the others, due to some vibrational frequency we cannot see? All you can really do is be whomever, and act however you want to – without hesitation so that there are no questions to be asked, no gaps for the awkwardness to slip into.

You cannot live in fear of being disliked, questioned or being perceived as less than desirable. It only manifests itself through your thoughts and beliefs. Vain thoughts overtake my brain and I become an emotionless friend and lover. It does not matter what anyone else thinks, if you think it too, then that’s the reality. Look nice if you want to, but don’t let it be the only defining thing about yourself. Vanity is narrow. We are so much more than our outer shells, we are so much more than the conversations we have with others. We are balls of energy that can connect regardless of all these things. I think it’s about how you feel, not what you say.