August Horoscopes

What y’all need to know this month.

Aries 

You haven’t lost who you are, you are just different now. Plants can be blue if you want them to be. You’re not a snob, you’re just more aware. Snails still have a home.

Taurus 

Look into xylophones. Stop worrying about wasting stickers, you’re wasting your time. Be nice to your spine. Do you think you have more than one brain? You do. Think about it. Chew slowly.

Gemini

Just be ugly this month. Vanity, shmanity. Remember. Marry something. Divorce it. Make friends with cows. Ask them what their favourite colour is. Animals and plants talk to us, we’ve just forgotten how to listen.

Cancer

You’ll live regardless. In this universe you’re easier to love. You don’t need to travel elsewhere. Clean your windows. Not the obvious, obvious windows. And nothing needs to be sexy. Buy a slinky.

Leo

Your favourite publication will make typos. Do yourself a favour and consider a new favourite. You can feel deep, but deep does not necessarily mean you’ve reached the other side. Keep melting.

Virgo 

On your way down make sure to feel the breeze through your fingertips. Your fingertips are sensitive, they know their own way. Sometimes it just takes a while for their thoughts to reach your brain. No one can guarantee pillows at the end of the tunnel, but you can imagine them. Power of the mind, right?

Libra

Place a bet on a raindrop. Watch them race. Or leave all the raindrops be. Either way, nothing is there for your entertainment. Maybe rather than getting into shape this month, try make a new shape.

Scorpio

Ask one of your past lives for an answer to your question. Two seperate words make too much sense. Keep your secrets. Boredom is not boring.

Sagittarius 

Perhaps we should look down at the grass and what’s surrounding us down here, rather than the sky and a planet far, far away. Only fools search for another planet. Make your planet, your planet.

Capricorn

Like a moth you will flutter towards bright lights this month, frequently. Think of a nice memory. Think about it backwards. Create a new one. Long see, no time. Do not create a war, just question.

Aquarius 

Listen to a song you hate. Ask yourself why you seem to hate it so much. Purchase a new toothbrush. The number of bristles should be of no concern. It’s how you use the bristles that is important. Notice how they work together, in a tight knit team.

Pisces

Read into mermaid conspiracy theories. Sadness can be simple once your insides are aligned. Why not burn a bridge this month?

Stay tuned for next month.