Catia’s 2020

Went to bed

before midnight. Heard people cheer in the New Year.

Found the entrance to an enchanted forest and stood at it, staring.

Stopped sleeping. Became a person I never thought I’d be. Hated her.

Took my girl to the ocean. She felt the sand and the waves lap at her tiny toes.

Cried when I thought about how much I loved her.

My heart ached because it was so full.

Poo was everywhere.

Went to Marion, breastfed there. It wasn’t the same. Felt a bit sad.

Felt a kind of tired that I didn’t know existed.

Lost my actual fucking mind.

Cried. Was tired. Cried. Was tired. Confused. Heart hurt. Felt guilt I didn’t know I could feel.

Tried to do things and realised I couldn’t do them how I used to. 

Everything was so much harder.

Thought dying wouldn’t be so bad.

Went to a museum and cried.

Took my baby to the hospital.

Went out for dinner, got drunk, felt momentarily so happy.

Started sleeping a bit more.

Things got a bit easier. Felt like I could be a bit more of myself again.

Took my baby to the hospital, again.

Thought waking up was a nightmare.

Had a birthday. It was weird.

Started drinking wine every night. Not too much. Just enough.

Walked so much. What else was there to do?

Started knitting. Made a blanket and mittens.

Cooked fancy things.

Dealt with poo in the bath multiple times.

Had no idea how to entertain a baby inside all day.

Felt like I was missing out on my life. Like she was missing out on hers. Like it wasn’t fair.

Felt everything doubled.

Had a sick baby. Didn’t sleep. Scared. Tired. Sad.

Got another nephew. 

Did a couple of things.

Everything went backwards. This time it was fucked. Good and proper.

Got pregnant.

My baby was happy on her birthday but I was sad.

Bought a yellow typewriter and wrote some letters.

Felt extreme pain.

Wore casts on both my arms for a month. Couldn’t do anything.

Felt extreme, violent nausea.

Felt unbearably ill day and night with no relief, for months.

Lost weight.

Moved out a year later than anticipated.

Started working again. It felt like a day off.

Felt relief. Felt freedom. Felt like life was back after so much grey.

Made our house a bit more of a home.

Felt happy. Started pottery again. Made things I love.

Started eating so much.

Put all the weight back on plus more.

Everything was easier.

Went out for lunch. Went out for breakfast. Went out for dinner. The sun shined. 

Went on a boat. Swam in the salt water. Ate fish and chips.

Smiled.

Cried way less.

Slept so, so, so much more.

Bought a Christmas tree and killed it immediately.

Went to the pools. Sat in the sun. Got massages. Gave myself a break.

Enjoyed life again.