Hope sucks

Its kind of something you can’t really explain. Why you get so wrapped up in one person.Synergy, chemistry, ‘the heart wants what it wants’ blah blah blah. 

I let the affection I have for you swallow me up. 
A bad habit of mine I just can’t seem to shake.
I get so caught up in it all I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. 
With you, I started pretending I was in the dark. 
I wasn’t blind, but I always looked the other way. 
I looked away when see you sat in the furthest corner of the bed. 
I looked away when your eyes told me you were done. 
Because I had hope. Endless, stupid, unfulfilling hope.
But while I’ve been looking the other way, you’ve been walking further and further from me.

These hurtful parts, the ones we choose to ignore, they’re actually the parts that can set us free.
And so letting the reality of it all hit me like ton of bricks was very necessary. 
It actually turned out to be the kindest thing I’ve ever done for myself. 
The purest act of self-care. 

Letting go of him.

This hurt, a lot. But I was hurting myself more.  
A selfish act that turned out to be self-less.

I let go of trying to be the perfect girl around him.
I let go of lying in bed tossing and turning over something I’d said.
I took off those rose-coloured glasses.
I untied that knot in my stomach.
I looked straight into the eyes of what was hurting me.
And for the first time in my life, I didn’t wait for him to set me free – I did.

I peel myself off the cold bathroom floor. I feel lighter already.
The weight has been lifted off my heavy heart.