I’m not very good at ‘me time’

As working adults, students and everything in between –

We all always talk about how we wish we had the time – time to relax, time for ourselves, time to complete things we never have the chance to do. We crave the idea of not having anything to think about or do, having no boxes to tick.

The problem with this, however, is that I love to tick boxes.

As the realities of COVID-19 has well and truly set in, I don’t know if the social-distancing/isolation element has brought this out of me, but I’ve noticed that I’ve never been good at ‘me time’.

As much as I like the idea of switching off and not doing anything – I’m not very good at it. And I don’t think I’m the only one. I’m a pro when it comes to do-to lists and ticking boxes. I make to-do lists of to-do lists. With nice markers and neat handwriting, I carefully tick each item off or cross it out. Honestly,  it validates why I’m doing things and what I have so-called ‘achieved in this day’.

These last few days I’ve slept, watched Netflix’s Tiger King (which I highly recommend), read more, listened to more podcasts, started puzzles. But the same things still stress me out. I still worry about what it is I’m doing with my life, how messed up the world is right now, and how do I make this day count?

My daily goals consist of trying to do exercise (but not), eating healthier (getting better at) and trying to do something creative rather than just sit and watch Law and Order – which I’ll probably go and do when I finish writing this.

I think I just have to admit that ‘me-time’ is something I don’t really do.

I’m never against an afternoon nap (trust me it happens more than you think – my friends compare to an old lady) but that’s about the extent of it. Whilst some enjoy a skincare routine, running a bath or doing a facemask, I honestly don’t.

My ideal day would consist of cleaning out my closet, reading through book lists and completing jobs I’ve created for myself to do, even if they should just be considered fun. I hate not working. And yet whilst I’m proud of the fact that I forbid myself from online shopping unless necessary (this could be due to the fact that I never downloaded After Pay – point to me) and can now make a (if I say so myself) café-quality smashed avo, I find the not earning money, struggling to save element really daunting.

However, I can’t find it in myself to complain. Yes, my plans are askew as of right now and the rest of the year is a giant question mark –  but downtime to me is spending time with my family. My brothers are my best friends and my mother my confidant. We laugh, we fight and we enjoy each other’s company. And whilst my household is chaotic 95% of the time, it’s nice just to be.

How often is everyone at home in one place with no plans?

So as for right now, I’m not too concerned about ‘me time’. Whilst I think I just de-bunked my whole thought process – I realise that it isn’t that important. I’ll happily continue box-ticking and list writing. Perhaps that is ‘me time’.

And if worse comes to worst – I can still have a glass of wine with my friends that are only a Zoom call code away.