I’ve been silently shouting

I thought I was quite a perceptive person but I’ve realised I’m only perceptive at perceiving myself through my own eyes, like passing myself on the street or meeting my twin.

I assumed everyone saw me as I see myself, the things they didn’t like about me were the things I didn’t like about myself.

What I’ve told myself was passivity other people have taken for activity, I have more power than I’ve let myself believe.

My self depreciation has made me unperceptive and I can’t comprehend how people can see me beyond the limitations I have drawn out for myself in thick black marker.

I have the power to push people away and people aren’t indifferent, they’re unsure.

While I was busy thinking people didn’t want me they were busy thinking I didn’t want them.

I’ve been waiting to be picked without realising I’ve been silently shouting that I don’t want to be picked, waiting for someone to realise I’m not cold while telling everyone I was with everything I said and did.

It’s so much easier to be detached, to pretend you’re not interested but I don’t want to be cold and I never really have. I’m not a bitch I’m just scared and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m much more interesting and complicated than my own two dimensional perception of myself dressed in pink and saying nothing much in particular.