My thoughts and feelings are dating

How do you feel?

I feel like screaming on the balcony. So I will. I feel like laying in bed until 5 PM. I feel like crying about something that happened 3 years ago. And then about something that happened a month ago. I feel like getting lost in my head for no reason other than that’s how I’d like to spend my day today.

And I don’t feel bad about it – it feels effortless. Like it was going to happen anyway.

That’s how I’ve been feeling about my future lately. Like it’s going to happen no matter what I do. I don’t think about what I need to do because I trust that I will do whatever it might be when the time comes.

And I do.

What do you think?

I think about my 15-year-old self in art class. Faking a type of strength she didn’t know what to call, but believing in it anyway. She would grow to be critical. Then not so critical, which then she would be reminded of why she was so critical in the first place.

And suddenly I’m 22. Trying to unlearn everything I thought I had learned, only learning that there’s nothing I had learned except cognitive distortions that kept me stuck in a loop of self-deprecation and thoughts that undermined my abilities.

For example, thinking that I have a thinking disorder.

I tell myself I will grow out of this.

And I do.

Where will you go?

Somewhere pretty. Somewhere that looks like me. Where I can make mistakes and not be so focused on learning. Where failure and rejection are redirections and I mean that. Where everything is romantic. Where I don’t avoid heartbreak. I’m eating a lot of spinach for some reason. Where time doesn’t rule my decisions and neither do my fears. I really don’t care for other people’s opinions – my life isn’t a brand to be worn. Where I’m irrelevant and relevant at the same time. I want big, big speakers to play all of my music on. It would play the same 50 songs all day long. I’m meditating. I’m crying. I’m dancing. I’m yelling. I’m writing. I’m drawing. I’m high. I’m inspiring. I’m inspired. I’ll be somewhere worthwhile and made just for me.