Ella’s 2019

Unconsciousness
Followed by a whisper of reality (this comes later)
Then a disconnect
brown and salty
The haze, the glimmer of new
Different
Sixteen
Learnt that I could actually write
And fell in love with it
Fell in love with some new people
That were under my nose
The whole time
Cut my hair
Escaped and
Found myself in New York
Habit
I blushed in LA
Spent way too much money
And laughed a hell of a lot
Wanted to stay thirty-five thousand feet above for eternity
Wanted to orbit the planet in that bubble
Didn’t (can’t) forget
Fell in love with winter
Embraced it
Rather than battled
It rained
And it was dark
And I reveled
Discovered that parties should be small
And that one should surround themselves with comfort
Made plenty of blurry memories
(But many still in the making)
And learnt that having fun is best
In good company
Determined that lethargy was the common enemy
And self accountability became challenging
Discipline was foreign
Felt an unsettling detachment of identity
And lingered
Uncomfortably
In what seemed like a purgatory of grief
For myself
Reopened that old wound
With a text
And a glance
Probably was stupidEscaped again
And on the coast of Italy found
My romanticism
My sensitivity
My vulnerability
My intimacy
Myself
Wrote a shit ton of poetry
The Notes app, a sanctuary
Fell in love with old friends again
And as I did
The January whisper of reality came back
And there was tears
And there was shouts
And very very very very very long text messages
But I think I came out radiant
And far better off
I connected with people
I was understood
Bought a house
Everything started to wrap up
So I reflected
And I reflected
And I reflected
And I reflected
And I looked into a crystal ball
And I looked at my past
And I decoded it
And I looked into my present
And I thanked myself for it
And mostly I looked into my future
The immediate
And the distant
And I pondered
And pondered
And pondered
And pondered
Over what I could be
And what I could do
And I stripped myself of limitations
And decided that I hated social media
And got very very very excited
For my life