It seems as if work were the main part of one’s life. It seems as if ambitious thoughts and plans for the future are to take 90% of one’s thoughts. It seems as if, if one doesn’t sacrifice basically all one has one is not to live a fulfilling life. As I was looking for synonyms of life to not break the rules of good writing the first suggestion was career. It’s incredible how man made this world such a factory. It sounds overused ,doesn’t it? But it’s true. From such early ages it’s nothing but a factory. I remember elementary school, I think most of us had this unexplainable urge to be the gifted child, the teacher’s pet in a sense. But weren’t we all the gifted ones? Funny how finishing the maths workbook first in class was what made me above average, the gifted one. Scrap that, I think none of us were the gifted child. We all were average. We still are. Brave of me to try and keep this image up. Personally I forgot who I am besides a girl that made a few things, is making a few things and will possibly make a few things in the future. I sometimes pity what I have made of myself. But, honestly, seldom do I feel the need to take any measures to change this. Life is more than work and no matter how cute, cheesy and stupid it sounds it’s true. But why does it feel like work is more than life? And it’s the way it’s supposed to be and if it’s not like that it’s false. Facing it seems like facing fraud.
Most of us were brought up to the idea of achievement. And while that’s well and good, some of us take it too far. If I were to share a little secret that is so secret that I must whisper it if I were to ever say it to anyone — I think I took it too far. I think I took it way too god damn far! I’m so far gone that when I think of the future I see myself alone with money and power but nothing else and it feels right. But it isn’t right, is it?
It seems as if, if one were to keep up this mentality one would ultimately find oneself in such a predicament that one would do anything to escape. And to be honest If I were one I’d enjoy not finding myself in such a predicament at all. For that though things must change. And for things to change one has to accept that the faced situation, the predicament one finds oneself in is undeniably awful. Life is a bit short, isn’t it? And to regret most of it because one decided that rather than having an impromptu trip to Northern Italy and having a spiritual awakening whilst on some sort of an unknown substance one will just stay home and work on that one project that will probably never even reach any general public – that is a bit of a let down. The longer that one decides to keep on working on that project the more one will be desensitized to experiences in life that don’t result in material gain but rather moral and emotional joy. And that’s, well that’s just kind of depressing.
Now it is as though the memories that one formed, the ones one promised to never let go of, the ones one held so close to their heart and vowed to keep it that way forever, it’s as though they’re clouding up. Those memories, so precious that if they were touched by water they’d be gone like cotton candy. And it’s as though it’s starting to rain. I don’t think one wants to live amongst the wealthiest people, the fastest cars and the biggest corporations but in black and white. I think one would rather sit on the ground with nothing but oneself and stare at the rainbow for so god damn long that one’s eyes would have had no more space for the color to absorb.
The process of facing is a hard process, you can’t argue that. But for the fire, for the atmosphere filled with meaningless and meaningful conversations at the same time, for the spark that goes off on one’s eyes the same as they go off on the flame, for the heat that fills you up is when you realise you’re just now truly free, and you just now truly feel, for that we live. And like it or not, we must live. So why not make the most of it. Why not find that balance that makes you just comfortable enough that you know you won’t fall but just risky enough that you must move faster than comfort, without looking back at the rope for as long as you walk. And as the rush of adrenaline fills your body as you keep balancing yourself you find that you are rather so safe, so happy and so grateful for what this walk has brought to you ,you realise that everything else, everything you strived for up until that point is useless. You now are. And you’re OK.
Facing the cute, cheesy, beautiful and stupid truth is hard. But if one were to keep up living in the lie, one would eventually go into a peculiar little state we call insane. I suppose man has made this world a factory but man can change it just as well. I look in awe to the future. I hope the future looks in awe at me too. But until then I might as well pack my bags to Italy.Return to issues