Ellen’s 2021

I don’t know what that was. 2021 was a lot and it was nothing. I’m thankful for everything that happened that has led me here. I think that’s growth?

Started the year stressed. Scrambled across a border.

Supported someone else’s dream. Neglected mine.

Tried really hard to be loved. Felt it in big laughs chasing a soccer ball and on a tarp watching the stars, but not in many other places.

Got fit. Felt sad.

Got some letters that broke my heart and some that pulled it back together.

Ate a lot of good food in gutters. Stopped buying $9 wine. Kept drinking 60 cent coffee.

Cried a lot. Didn’t realise it was a lot until I stopped crying a lot.

Finally found a home. I keep it.

Built a friendship that is one of my proudest accomplishments to date.

Scrambled across more borders.

Changed my relationship with my parents over a glass of wine with boats thudding together in the background. Said things as their child who is now an adult.

Continued to go to therapy.

Graduated to once a month therapy.

Spent a lot of time at the beach. Started to remember who I am.

Accepted a lot. Covid, mostly.

Saw some art. Made some art. Remembered who I am.

Got a surprise. Felt loved.

Was excited to wake up and go to work every day. Was busy – not stressed.

Put on big girl boots. Made some big calls.

Built a website.

Danced topless on a table to Shania Twain.

Fell back in love with pilates. Committed to myself. Started nurturing my own goals.

Decided to be in some baby’s lives forever. Appointed myself as Aunty.

Everything changed. Was scary and I was scared.

Curled into a small ball in my closet in a large blue blazer.

Lost a voice telling me I wasn’t enough.

Was the sickest I’ve ever been. Wrote my will before bed. Realised I didn’t have much to give except for words and art. Felt ok with that.

Got some tulips. Blossomed.

Fell apart in a friend’s arms in bed. Made a plan.

Started living alone.

Starting giving more and gave less fucks.

Got fit again in a healthy way that made me happy. In a way that wasn’t a prison, in a way that was freeing.

Went to the ice cream shop. Tried some flavours.

Danced till 5am with heels duct-taped to my feet.

Raved.

Shared silence with Jules on a dark beach.

Met Lee and Aireys. Was reminded what gentle and safe felt like.

Shared heartbreak with a stranger who became a best friend. Laughed and trusted in ways I forgot I was capable of.

Got extremely happy.

Got on Hinge. Learned all any man wants is a spicy marg.

Spent a lot of time alone. Fell entirely in love with myself.

Started writing letters I am not sure I’ll ever send.

Became unafraid.

Finally feel like the person I always knew I was.