Ash’s 2020

For the past two

years, I have complied a list of things I have done throughout the year and submitted them in list-form to Fluff (2018 and 2019), but as we could all probably agree, this past year has been mostly a blur, unclear of the differentiation between months and unsure of when things actually happened or changed.

But I don’t feel the same as I did this time last year: I am less anxious, more creative and active, and feel more grounded than I ever have, and although there have been a lot of things to resent 2020 for, I am thankful for the time I’ve been able to have for my own development, and I think that is something worth celebrating.

I finished university at the end of 2019, and was unsure of where I wanted my life to be like in the year following, I was on a writer’s list for a local music publication, and was working part-time on a film-set, but I knew then that those weren’t things that I wanted to do permanently.

A few weeks before that year came to an end, one of my friends told me that maybe taking a year off will help me refocus and figure out what I want to do and where I want to be, and although that sounded like a good idea, I knew that it couldn’t be a possibility, little did I know that within a few months the world would seemingly completely stop turning.

Like many, I was at home for almost the whole year, unable to work or find new work, spending almost all of my time inside with my family, with the exception of the daily hour walk within my five kilometre radius.

At the beginning, it was very stressful, I felt like my life was put on pause, and I was scared that my life wouldn’t be able to progress past the point of “recent university graduate who was living out of their parents’ basement” (an overreaction I know, but that’s how it felt), and that I wouldn’t be able to get to where I wanted to be: stuck.

One of the things that helped me get out of this mindset, and help give myself a small push of momentum was walking. It gave me time to think over ideas alone, and was able to figure out how I could make them tangible, as well as be active and get some fresh air.

I was sitting at the dining table one afternoon after a walk, drawing in my planner, and eventually decided that I was going to animate something, nothing too complex, but something simple that felt true to me, so I made it.

“Expectation” is sketchy, quiet and reflective of how I was feeling at the time: waiting for something to happen while seemingly nothing was changing.

I guess you could pin this as the moment the snowball effect began, because from here, I continued to practise animating, as well as exploring new techniques for both image and video editing.

Days were spent taking and editing photos, taking old files collecting dust on my hard-drive and turning them into something cool, and submitting work to magazines, usually not hearing anything back, but that’s okay!

I got to write some articles for my friends, Christina and Ruby, at A-Zine, about my simultaneously favourite and least favourite movie of all time, Kids, and a forever fashion icon, Dennis Rodman, as well as create some unique edits for people that I really care about.

My skills have improved and I know stuff now that I wouldn’t have otherwise, and I think that I can say with confidence that 2019 Ashley would’ve thought that 2021 Ashley was pretty cool, lol.

I feel really blessed and grateful for all that I was able to achieve over this past year, and I keep reminding myself that it wasn’t all for nothing, and that those times were instrumental in shaping me as a person, and has guided me in the direction that I desire and am destined to follow, and I feel like that may ring true for a lot of other people.

Things weren’t always great, but there have been moments that have made people rethink themselves, reset and grow, no matter how small those steps might have seemed at the time.

Days still kind of seemed mushed together, but also far apart, but what I think is important is that we remind ourselves of the blessings we have, so that we can make the most out of each day; that’s another thing I learnt over the last year.

Although you sucked 2020, thank you for giving me time.